Speaker 1: 0:12

Welcome back to the Practical Spirituality Podcast. We are so excited to have you on this journey with us, where we explore all elements of mind, body, emotions and soul through the lens of everyday life.

Speaker 2: 0:28

Hello Kim.

Speaker 1: 0:29

Hello Gareth.

Speaker 2: 0:30

So what topic do you have in store for us this evening?

Speaker 1: 0:33

Oh, like I have it in store for us, okay.

Speaker 2: 0:35

So let's just talk about.

Speaker 1: 0:37

We're going to explore why we often focus on things beyond our control and things that we can't change, and I think that'll be a very interesting topic, do you think?

Speaker 2: 0:49

A very relatable one, and I think you can't find one person who doesn't fixate on something from the past or something ongoing even in present day, which is why it's an interesting topic, because what is it bringing up in any of this?

Speaker 1: 1:01

Well, the reason I brought it up when we first talked about it is because at the moment, I have a couple clients that you know have left circumstances but can't let go of those circumstances, and they're focusing on it on a daily basis.

Speaker 1: 1:16

And of course it brings stuff up for me because, like I said, I can't relate at all, and so I go. I think I just found myself pondering what is it we get from doing that, you know, getting so fixated on that when it's over. Or we can't change it, or there's nothing we can do about it, whether it is in our personal lives, whether it's in our career, whether it's globally.

Speaker 2: 1:44

A lot of us haven't been taught or shown or trained how to let things go. So from a very young age we were just used to holding on to stuff and repeating things over and over again in our own minds subconscious mind, conscious mind. But then the other part of it, of why we're forced to repeat and to continue to play these things over and over in our mind, is because you could say from a human perspective or a spiritual perspective, is that we're still here to grow from some of these experiences, that we haven't yet captured all the meaning or learnings from it yet. So therefore, subconscious or conscious mind is forced to repeat it or to continue bringing it up time and time again until the lessons are fully captured or learned from those experiences. But there's a whole spectrum into why we cannot let these things go.

Speaker 1: 2:30

Well, I think it's just fascinating, though, because I remember when my anxiety was at its height and I would have a conversation with someone, and then, of course, my mind would want to replay the conversation 100 times and what I could have said differently, and if I'd only done this or if I'd only done that. But the other thing is is I can remember, even in my earlier relationships, that I was sure, if I didn't do something properly, that they would leave, and so then I was hyper focused on did I do it properly, which really didn't matter, and it was fascinating to me because I was hyper focused on did I do it properly, which really didn't matter, and it was fascinating to me because I was never actually present when any of it was happening. I was either worried about it before it happened or then constantly replaying it after it happened and never found the answer that I thought I was looking for, and it would drive me crazy, because it felt like I was getting crazier and crazier, trying to resolve it and not knowing how.

Speaker 2: 3:31

What's interesting about how creative our minds are, though, it's that it can literally create 95% of examples that are never going to happen. So then, as you said, it's fascinating. And so why? Why does our minds do that? But it go. If you go back to the foundations that we often talk about when it comes to how the mind actually functions, our relationship with our own emotions, because if you go to the core of actually what the emotion, what emotions are present, as the mind is running these different narratives, to me that goes to show that there's a pattern there, undoubtedly, of that. If we do not have a good relationship, these emotions, our mind has to get creative to try to find new ways for us to build a relationship with these emotions, but when you're not aware of that, it becomes not this ongoing battle in day-to-day life of our mind jumping to these extremes. So when you don't have those solid foundations which, I want to say, 99 of the planet does not have, right, then it becomes this constant battle, but we constantly run that narrative that we're the problem.

Speaker 1: 4:29

Exactly.

Speaker 2: 4:29

Because it's happening to me, and then we're expected to have an amazing relationship with ourselves or that everything should be rosy and easy in life, but when that's constantly happening, as you said, that anxiety is constantly running and we don't understand these emotions that are constantly being pushed onto us, because we can't just force them away. And even when we do try to bury them, that does not stop anxiety from appearing, as we've all experienced. So we're not given the solution. Or how do we begin exploring that? Because so many of us have such a fear of emotions to start with?

Speaker 1: 4:59

I think about it for me, and I think about it for some of the clients that I work with. Think about it for me and I think about it for some of the clients that I work with. And I can tell you, for the first 50, 55 years of my life, I didn't realize that the emotional neglect that I suffered from created a pattern, and that pattern was making sure everything outside of me, or everybody outside of me, was happy, which is a fallacy to start with, because I can't make sure anybody's happy but me, and I certainly even don't know how, and I made the comment today. Oh yeah, I got my hair cut today. It only took me six weeks to choose me, because I can still get in that habit of putting everything else first, because it feels like the priority is more important and that's just me taking responsibility for that. But it's true, and it's what happens, and when I catch myself, I have to go.

Speaker 1: 5:54

I have no control over any of that yeah and I know you know, when we first started working together, how fixated I was on those types of things.

Speaker 2: 6:04

Don't be mad but that's where the fixation is not necessarily the problem, because that's actually where the growth is. Because we take 99 of people, we all run a similar pattern, but it's so unique for each of us and that's why, as we even discussed in the previous episode, it can be hard to pin down a generalized answer to the population, because everyone's reasoning for them running that pattern of why we can't let certain things go or multiple things go. That's where the growth honestly is, but that's where the growth journey is in mind, body, emotion, soul for each individual person. So, as you were saying, it goes back to being to want to take that responsibility, to begin to explore that, to understand.

Speaker 2: 6:44

Why is this appearing in me? Because it goes back to being to want to take that responsibility, to begin to explore that, to understand. Why is this appearing in me? Because it goes roads back throughout our entire lives, as you said, from early childhood right the way to present day. So I'm not saying that for it to be an overwhelming thing to start. It's more that the answers do exist and we can assist ourselves. But what our system is trying to do is to ask us to explore in order to grow, to free ourselves from these patterns, which we can do, but if this is all we've known our entire lives, we often don't believe that we can free ourselves from this pattern because we've never experienced that freedom that other people talk about.

Speaker 1: 7:17

Well, I can remember quite clearly people telling me that I was a control freak and that it was all about control for me.

Speaker 1: 7:24

Now I honestly can tell you, gareth, I did not believe that I was a control freak. In hindsight I can say, okay, I can see where people got that. But what I would say is I wanted to be safe and I didn't know how else to be safe. But when people would use the terminology, you're a control freak. All that did for me was bring up all this defense and so therefore, I would never get to what was actually going on. It wasn't until it was like oh, oh, I'm fixating on this because I'm so afraid of the result if I don't fixate on it. And I think that's the point I'd really like to bring here. You know, at least to start with, and we can keep going around it. But that was really big for me because I thought I had to fixate on it because it was the only way I could keep safe, even if I had no control over the outcome of whatever I was fixating on.

Speaker 2: 8:18

But I think this was interesting because, even if we're fixating on an event or something that's happened that doesn't bring us a lot of joy or peace, at least it's familiar and there, and therefore a lot of the time, it's already happened and when our subconscious mind wants us to learn from these experiences and we're used to these emotions, that's why it continues to repeat. Also because, again, we can't often feel what we haven't experienced, that which is letting it go, as we talked about earlier. If you don't know how to do that, don't know the process of doing that, don't know how to take the learning process, the emotions, you can understand then, as you said, how we get stuck in that cycle time and time again.

Speaker 1: 8:57

Absolutely. And, like I know, I'm sure you can remember way back when the first time you said to me okay, I want you to say no all week, and I was like no, I can't breathe. Now, like I don't think you understand, I can't do that. You know I have to say yes because the alternative felt way too dangerous than anything else. And so there's, like you said, there's so many different reasons that we cling to some of these things that we fixate on and those emotions come up for us to deal with it. And sometimes this is one of the things I really recognize is sometimes we have to experience it so many times before our awareness gets beyond the actual fear and the fight, flight, freeze response to go oh my gosh, how many times do I have to be here? How many times do I have to be here? And yet I've never died yet, even though I'm pretty sure I'm going to or at least I used to be pretty sure I was going to die if I let go of whatever I was concerned about, which brings me to another point I really want to bring up. And so you know, I know, you know me, my brain never just follows any kind of straight line. I go all over the place, so just hang with me.

Speaker 1: 10:15

I remember when it was time for me to get divorced, I knew probably you know 10 years in before I got divorced I needed to get divorced.

Speaker 1: 10:27

I can go through those 10 years and each year I can tell you what I fixated on and why I couldn't get divorced and how imperative it was, because I was responsible for the results of all of that. But at the same time I was doing a lot of my work that I now do now on me, and I kept hearing that phrase and I heard it so many times what's in the highest good for you is in the highest good for everyone. Now, logically, I knew that Could I get that part of me that was sure, if I walked out of that marriage, that he would suicide or my kids wouldn't survive, or they would hate me, or the whole world would fall apart or I wouldn't be able to support myself? I couldn't focus on any of that and it wasn't until I finally did it and my child came to me and said I'm so glad you finally did that. It's such a relief for all of us that I was like that's what that phrase means. But I had to go through the journey, correct?

Speaker 2: 11:30

This is what is always fascinating about the journey is that it's easy to say, oh, it's a simple choice to make, whereas it's never a simple choice and it always goes in its own timeline.

Speaker 2: 11:50

But even say the changes that we talk about, or the awareness that we need to have, or developing the relationship with mind, body, emotion, soul, we can't begin to describe the timeline in which that takes place over many years, many decades.

Speaker 2: 11:56

This is not something that happens overnight, as you and I both know, and I'm more saying that in order for any of us to have more patience with ourselves, instead of expecting these overnight epiphanies that happen, which don't often happen and when they do, they're very few and far between, but it needs to happen over a slow, long period of time in order for us to actually really take these learnings and to run with them, and that they're implanted in our subconscious and conscious mind to be able to utilize that growth longer term. And the things that we're still growing from are the things we become fixated on because we can't shake it off or ignore it, because if we could do that, there'd be a lot of things we'd never learn from true, that's very true like if we all mastered the art of letting go overnight, we would not deal with anything.

Speaker 2: 12:46

Oh, my marriage is falling apart. Oh, look, I let it go.

Speaker 1: 12:48

We're together for 20 years well, I actually have heard people say that in my, you know, in my own growth. And if you haven't let it go, well, you're the problem. You just haven't let it go. And until you just let it go, and I'm like I'd like to know how to let it go because it's not going. I'm trying to let it go, but it's not going. So what's wrong with me? Yet again came back that same old story what's wrong with me that I can't let it go?

Speaker 2: 13:13

but this is kind of the problem is the oversimplification sometimes of the journey, and that's what actually drives people kind of crazy, because then they do think they're the problem. It's like saying to an alcoholic just put down the drink, let it go.

Speaker 1: 13:24

Right.

Speaker 2: 13:25

Thank you. That's what we don't understand that it's the same as with any of the patterns or behaviors running within our mind. It's that even if it's not an addiction in the sense of substance, it's still the same patterns that we've been running for so long. So therefore, when we're becoming fixated on very particular things, we become fixated even on certain emotions because they're familiar. And so when we've that's all we've known our entire lives creating something new out of that, it takes time and it's not an easy process. That happens overnight. So, but it goes back to something you mentioned earlier which I would love to dive into a bit more is the desire for control that can come from this, or even the fear of uncertainty. So maybe we should dive into that just a little bit more, because I think it's so relatable, because that's a part of the human experience, of why we even resist so much of the change that we know we need.

Speaker 1: 14:19

So I will definitely dive into the fear of uncertainty and I can remember the very first time that I started to kind of chant to myself because I was trying so hard to work on it that I was going to learn how to be certain in the uncertainty, and that that was where I was safe was when I was certain in the uncertainty, which felt like you know what is that song about? The spaceman out there and out of control? That's what it felt like to me completely. It was like, oh my gosh, I just can't. But one of the things I would like to say and one of the best ways that I've ever heard it explained.

Speaker 1: 14:59

And again, I know that there's mind, body, emotional and spiritual reasons for it. But when we're trying to logically look at it, anytime we go to make any kind of change, we have a brain that is got a negative bias. It has a negative bias because I like to call it the risk assessment machine. It's always looking for the risk because its number one job is to keep this body alive and functioning. So the minute we decide to make a change, we think we're all on board because we use 5% of our brain to make that decision. We make the decision and we step out to activate the change that we're going to make, and instantly the mind kicks in with doubt and then becomes a little bit of fear, and then there becomes a little bit of doubt and anxiety. And then, as you continue to try and go down this road of change, you hit that place of uncertainty. And what we mean by that is you are no longer your familiar, predictable old self.

Speaker 1: 16:04

Yet you are not what you have desired to be yet and I call it no man's land and the mind goes ballistic. You can't do this. This is crazy. I told you you couldn't do it. You know you're better with the devil you know than the devil you don't know. Blah, blah, blah and it just goes nuts and it just goes nuts and I think 90% of people just jump back into what they know because the agitation or the tension of sitting in that place and knowing that they're going to be okay in the uncertainty feels way too unfamiliar.

Speaker 2: 16:38

I know I couldn't have said it better myself.

Speaker 1: 16:41

And it doesn't matter what change we're making, any kind of change. Whether you are buying a house, getting married, breaking up, quitting cigarettes, quitting alcohol or drugs, going from high school to university, going from primary school to high school, every single change that we confront, that same process happens in the mind.

Speaker 2: 17:05

But this is what's again fascinating about what you're saying, because change is the one thing that we're all trying to avoid.

Speaker 2: 17:14

It's the one thing that's inevitably meant for us all, whether it's internal, external, happening within us, to us.

Speaker 2: 17:19

But the one thing that you and I always come back to when we're talking about these sort of subjects is that it was back to the emotions more often than not, or our lack of relationship with those different emotions that are triggered depending on the circumstance.

Speaker 2: 17:32

Because even when you dedicate a long period in your life to study, to feed the logical mind, to want to understand all these different areas, in my experience you cannot skip over that part that requires you to sit with the emotion, to get to know your emotions. Because even if you're willing to read every book on the planet regarding exactly what we're talking about now, you still need to start that foundation with self and emotions and getting used to sitting with that. Because if you do not, no matter how much logic you have, you will not be able to evolve or grow into getting to know change. Even when change is happening, it doesn't mean that you're ever going to like it as it's occurring, but being present with it to allow that change to occur is the journey itself. But you need those foundations with your emotions that 99% of the planet do not have those foundations, with your emotions, that 99% of the planet do not have.

Speaker 1: 18:28

Well, and what I love is how you know, when you introduce me to the concept which I now use a lot in my sessions with people, that emotion is our very first language.

Speaker 1: 18:34

That is how we, when we first arrived here, we started communicating through those emotions and then, very quickly, we were taught not to know those emotions, or we only have one or two, or three, maybe max that are okay for us to be experiencing. So when we do go through any kind of change and we're sitting in that place of uncertainty, it does bring up, you know, I call it tension, but that tension is the unresolved emotions of okay, this is it. You know, I don't know what I used to think. I used to think I would literally die or fall off the planet or something, but it felt pretty extreme in the beginning and the more I practiced it, the more it was like oh yeah, I recognize this feeling, it's uncomfortable, I don't like it. The more it was like oh yeah, I recognize this feeling, it's uncomfortable, I don't like it, but it's not going to kill me.

Speaker 2: 19:23

Yep, and that's when you're obviously spending more time with these emotions, you're also educating your mind, but you're also willing to sit in it, to actually become friends with this emotion that's been with us our entire lives, because we know we can't delete these emotions, so therefore, we have to spend time with them, to get to know them of how they interact with self. So, yeah, but that's a huge part of the journey that we none of us can avoid, but we do our best to try to.

Speaker 1: 19:50

And we do it because sometimes that, that the uncertainty in our own childhood or whatever we've experienced in life, life brought up so much fear or so much uncomfortability or so much doubt in ourself that we just don't want to go near that. You know, we just go, we'll just push that aside and I'll just focus on what Joe across the street is doing instead of what's happening in my life or what the city council is doing, or you know, get even global. You know can go global like that, and I have been guilty of that for a good part of my life. I guarantee you that. I could tell you that I used to say I'd sit up at night and solve the problems of the world, because I could solve the problems of the world I just couldn't solve Kim. Yeah, and that is a pretty broad statement for everybody, I think, wouldn't you agree?

Speaker 2: 20:43

yeah, but solving kim was always too close to home. And if you actually solved kim, that actually require you to make changes in your life that you didn't want to make. So therefore, it's easy to project onto everything else in the world, and that's what is. You're saying that you see everyone do time and time again, but I personally absolutely love emotions, simply because they are our greatest guide, because when we sit with them, that's where we actually meet ourselves and meet our truth. Because when it comes to the mind, it's been fed so much information over so many decades that you know I can understand when people say I can't trust my mind. That statement I can understand in the sense of because we've been fed so much stuff.

Speaker 2: 21:20

But when it comes to the emotions, is that that's something that's been with us our entire lives. And when we sit with our emotions, that's when the mind starts to go crazy, as you were saying earlier, because it's bringing up all of these different scenarios, all these different things that we know we need to change. So it's easier, so to speak, to shut it all down. But in saying that, that doesn't mean what of what our emotions was guiding us towards was wrong. It's just we don't know how to sit with it and how to actually process what it's bringing up on us. So, when it comes to change, or any change, either we know we need to make or the changes that we want to make. At the basis of all of that is our emotions. That we need to learn of how to respect their place within us. But that comes with time of us spending time with those set of emotions, regardless of what they are.

Speaker 1: 22:03

And you can't fast track that. I think that's what's important, because you know we'll go back to the scenario that people have heard me say before. When I first got sober, I was pretty excited because I was 26. I was like shit, I'll have this stuff handled by the time I'm 30, 35, I'll be rocking it. You know, life will be great Not exactly how it went, and part of that is and I get it, gareth.

Speaker 1: 22:29

You know, when I first got sober I shared this with someone the other day when I first got sober, I spent the first nine months, every single night, sobbing uncontrollably from what I would call the core of my being. Now I know that doesn't sound encouraging to a lot of our listeners. That was what was going on for me. I couldn't have named what those emotions were about. I had no idea what it was about. The best that I could even give you today, these years later, is it was just a backlog. It was a backlog that needed to be released because I had been suppressing my emotions for so long and had been relying on my analytical mind, because I thought that was the only way I could survive in this very dangerous world where emotions weren't safe, and so I had to get through the backlog, and this is why people, I think, sometimes are afraid of the emotions when they don't actually need to be.

Speaker 1: 23:28

Like I mean, yeah, did I get worried? It was never going to stop. I did. You know, nine months of sobbing your eyes out every single night is a long time. It's just like I'd start crying. Oh, there's my old friend again. Here we go again. I don't know what it's about, and it would be so heart-wrenching the type of sobbing that I had. Does that happen to me today? Oh, has that happened to me for a long time? No, because once I started to release some of it, then there was space for more, but I certainly didn't have it all together at 30 or 35.

Speaker 2: 24:05

Yeah, you know, there was still that slow process.

Speaker 2: 24:09

But this is where we all need to learn and I say learn because it's not easy Learn to trust the process of what our system is trying to do for us and with us, because, as you said, it's that over a period of time, your system was guiding you on this journey of actually to heal self, get to know self, to express self in mind, body, emotions in these different ways, and that is inevitably always going to take time. Because, if we actually look back at the core question we're talking about this evening is that why do we fixate on the things that we cannot change? These things we fixate on because that's the only way, in certain circumstances, that our subconscious, conscious mind can actually get us to deal with something that we're trained to avoid. So it's that, therefore, when we're sitting with these things and we're actually willing, what is it trying to communicate with us? And that's what I love when I work with clients is that, when they bring up certain particular things that's on their mind constantly, when you start getting to the root and asking questions of okay, I'm looking at it from the different angles of mind, body, emotions, past, present, future you can get into why the mind is actually continuously bringing this up over and over again and that's what becomes the journey journey so like.

Speaker 2: 25:17

It's not that we're the problem, as we're talking about before, or that our minds are broken is that it's trying its best to get us to grow and to free ourselves from the things that we don't know how to, and that happens over a longer time frame, because we can only digest so much at any given time in our lives, and that's what you're even saying about.

Speaker 2: 25:35

You can't cry 25 years worth of emotions in one day. Therefore, it's going to be broken over a period of time to keep you going in your day-to-day life, to make sure that it's manageable. But we have to do our bit to let our system know that this is natural. But when we're taught it's not natural, it doesn't feel natural. We're not actually going to fight it. So there's a level of education, but also allowing it to unfold over an extended period of time, because we cannot do it in a short period of time, because I actually think that would be worse off if that was the case. It takes time. Let's take a step back from this week's episode and share with everyone what we've been up to behind the scenes.

Speaker 1: 26:15

We're really excited to be able to finally offer the Gareth Michael community to each of you. The community offers a range of benefits, including access to our live events, weekly podcast episodes, articles, self-checking questions, as well as a community of individuals you can connect with and interact with along the way. It's designed to offer you support, guidance and a safe space on a day-to-day basis. We'd love to have you join our global community of like-minded individuals. That website address, again, is wwwgarethmichaelcom.

Speaker 1: 26:52

Now let's get back to that episode, shall we? I have a person at the moment that continues to fixate on another person and there's a real fight to that, and so in sitting with this person and working with this person, one of the things that I see is there is an internal fight going on, but the focus is always on the other person, because that person does not know how to have the time or the space to look inside, or is too afraid that it's going to be too big, as I often hear, to actually look at what the fight within myself is or that person's self, what we cannot change, and focusing on something outside of ourself. You're saying that the mind is bringing that to us, because it's really like a reflection of what we're refusing to look at within ourself.

Speaker 2: 27:48

It's forcing us to have to be with self and, therefore, if we are continuing to surround ourselves in the external people, the external scenarios, it's going to keep bringing that up more and more inside. So, therefore, the only way or one of the many ways, but the only way that I have found that actually begins to assist with this process, is us being willing to sit with self and let that be 15 minutes at a time, and sitting with mind, body, emotions, allowing whatever needs to come up to come up, to start journaling about it. We even often talk about, say, the emotions inventory that you can get online for free and start educating yourself on what different emotions are actually coming up, because, yeah, anything happening externally and if it's triggering us, it's never them. I'm not saying that they're not part of the problem, so to speak, but we're often so trained to pin it all on the other person, the external people or the scenarios, and that's just not technically true, because we also have to look at us.

Speaker 2: 28:42

And why are these things occurring in our lives? In order to get to know ourselves better or to help us process things that we haven't had the opportunity or a chance to to do? If so, we're fixated on something. Externally, that means there's still something about ourselves internally that there is to learn. And how do we allow that to happen? We have to be willing to build a relationship with self, because we're so also fixated in building relationships with anyone else and everything else but with ourselves. So if this is your life, your mind, body, emotion, soul are going to find different ways to force you to get to spend time with yourself.

Speaker 1: 29:16

I really agree with that, and so I want to bring up a couple of examples because I think that's really important. And so, as you were talking, what came to mind is me as a young child, a teenager and in my early 20s, seeing UNICEF commercials and feeling like I was going to die for that child that was starving on the other side of the planet, that I couldn't fix. And how dare this world be, this mean place that it is allowing children to starve on another side of the planet? So that fixation on that for as long as it was, was my mind's way of trying to see where I was starving myself, in a sense, whatever that is, whether that was in mind, body, spirit or emotions. And of course, I could quite clearly say emotions, because I could be emotional for somebody else, but I couldn't be emotional for myself.

Speaker 1: 30:08

And so I had someone else say to me the other day they were talking about this and they said I love this when people come to me with this. Well, you don't understand, kim, I'm an empath. I said you know, I love some of these buzzwords that come around all the time, because you know buzz, that buzzword of empath is really you're saying you're codependent and you refuse to look at it. And they were like how can you say that I'm not codependent? I'm like, oh yes, you are, because if you think you're feeling their feelings, then you're not looking at your feelings, and so you're trying to make their feelings okay so that you can feel okay, because you don't even know how to be okay with you in that moment. And that is codependency, whether we want to admit it or not.

Speaker 1: 30:55

And so these are the examples, as you were speaking, that came up for me, because I go, I too used to think I'm just an empath. I can't watch UNICEF commercials because it just destroys me. Well, no, it was me going. Look at where are you starving, kim? So I can tell you I wasn't a very popular person when I said you're not an empath, you're actually codependent, and I was trying to explain that to the person because you know we don't want to it not that we don't want to. We don't know how to turn within when we're thinking that we're feeling somebody else's feelings. You know, one of the things I love to explain to people is you really aren't feeling their feelings, but you're projecting a belief system that you're holding about what's happening for that person. You don't actually know what's going on for them.

Speaker 2: 31:48

Don't you just love how creative the mind is and its ability to avoid self.

Speaker 1: 31:53

It's incredible, isn't it?

Speaker 2: 31:54

But again, it's had more than enough inspiration for most of its life to learn how to do that.

Speaker 2: 31:59

And that's where, if we're actually going back once again to the main point of this episode is then when our mind is fixating on something.

Speaker 2: 32:08

I often say it's because it's trying to tell us something or trying to get us to learn or grow from something, and that can go across mind, body, emotion, soul, and, of course, there can be lots of overlap. But the only way to begin actually addressing that is to being willing to sit with self. And this is what's funny I don't want to say funny, haha, but it's funny in the sense of because a lot of the teachings from other people is that you know you have to be in the present moment, but the more you are sitting in the present moment, the more that our anxiety or our fixations or those different things can be at its strongest. So therefore, what we like to do often, more often that is get busy and making other people a priority Anyone but ourselves, basically, because we just don't know how to sit with the mind, sit with the body and sit with the emotions. And sitting with all of those three different areas is a challenge for most people, but that is where the most growth is.

Speaker 1: 32:59

But also when we do that, we think we're relieving our stress Okay, when we're fixating on something outside of ourself, whatever that might be, but actually we're creating more stress in our body because our soul knows what we're here to work through and the more that we want to project it outward or focus on something we can't change, it is trying to show us, but we're really busy trying to avoid it and that's what creates so much of the stress and the anxiety, because we want to give to everyone else what we really want for ourselves instead of being able to focus on giving it to ourselves. So I find that very interesting, because years ago I read somewhere that life is forgiving, not forgetting, but not in the sense that we talk about. People hear that Life is forgiving. They think it's to give to other people, but it's actually really to give to us, not forgetting the materialistic things.

Speaker 1: 34:03

I know it's kind of a cliche statement, but it meant a lot to me at that time, because that was right at the time when I was starting to go inward and I was like, oh, I've never given to myself, ever. I don't even know what that is. And then again, when we get fixated on these things. Outside of ourselves, we do miss the present and like of ourselves, we do miss the present and, like you said, it's in the present. That it's not necessarily that we have to be here all the time, but it is the opportunity that we get to know ourselves in that moment.

Speaker 2: 34:35

But this is what's important, I think, to establish is that when we talk about the fixations, even when you're on the journey, the fixations don't go away, they just change.

Speaker 2: 34:46

They do I just want to make that clear. It's kind of like saying, just when you start to get to know your emotions does not mean your emotions go away or they just get creative in a new way of being able to show you new things about yourself and the world around you that you didn't think was possible. But I really do not mean that in a negative sense at all. Really do not mean that in a negative sense at all. I'm saying it's amazing the strength or how much stronger you can become as a person and your relationship with self by allowing the journey to take you to those places. But the fixations do change and evolve. But the difference is now present day.

Speaker 2: 35:14

So you understand why those fixations need to exist, whereas beforehand we're running off so many different patterns and behaviors, completely unaware and uneducated of why any of these things are happening to start with, which is why emotions and our minds can become a paralyzing place to live with. But to say that they are the enemy or to avoid them at all costs is not the longer term solution or answer that we're all searching for. It's because everyone's looking for the quick fix, which does not exist when it comes to these things, and anytime you and I have tried the quick fixes in the past. It's actually made for more interesting learnings. That's come from that, because the journey is the journey and we have to spend time with the parts of us that we don't understand and take responsibility and want to continue to go out there and learn about these different parts of us and why they need to exist, because we'll be waiting a long time trying to delete those parts of us that are a core part of the human experience.

Speaker 1: 36:08

Well, and again as well. I don't know about anybody else, but I've certainly learned that we can't delete those parts of ourselves. And the more that we, you know, avoid actually getting to know those parts and understand those parts, the more these fixations, roadblocks, whatever we want to call them, continue to show up. And you know, it doesn't mean that if you because I can hear people with their analytical oh well, then I'll get busy and know every single part of myself. Well, as you said to me in the early days, if you're going to go back and dig, you're going to be digging for a long time, because how many moments have you already lived and how many? Each moment is a part of ourself and a different reaction that we've had and a different emotion and a different realization that we had, and so it's impossible to go back and work every single one of those out. And so, dealing with what's coming up for us now.

Speaker 1: 37:02

And I just noticed that when I start to get fixated on anything outside of myself, like you said, it changes. Now I can get fixated on things inside of myself instead of outside of myself. But at least the difference is today that I'm not judging, I'm not shaming, I'm not annihilating which I used to be really good at of myself. I'm not annihilating which I used to be really good at of myself. It's like, okay, here we are again and that's okay. I don't know what it is, I'm meant to learn, but at least I'm open to trying to understand this. And so that comes down to the word that you and I used to talk about a lot that I hated, and now that I hear myself saying it to some of my clients quite a bit that acceptance. It is what it is, and if you are new to this, please don't hate us. It does get easier.

Speaker 2: 37:54

But it takes time, and I think that's what's inevitably going to go through in life. That's where we owe ourselves at this stage to sit with those different parts of us and just continue to ask why and to process what is going on around those different scenarios, with those different people and especially with ourselves inside, because we haven't been shown or taught how to do that. And that's the common theme time and time again.

Speaker 1: 38:23

Well, one of the things I want to say, gareth, about the acceptance and also one of the techniques that I've used, as everybody on this podcast, if you've listened to any.

Speaker 1: 38:32

No, I talk about present moment awareness. And while that's not the answer, the more present I am, the more aware I am of what part of me needs attention, whether it is the mind, whether it is the body, whether it's my emotions, or whether it's just that part, that soul part of me that just needs a break. And so that is why being present because while you're present, you have an opportunity to actually know what's happening for you instead of rushing past it and wanting to blame or fixate on something outside of ourself. So I think that's a big part of it, because we all think if I can focus on the present, or if I can get this present moment awareness, then I'm going to be good. Well, it's a great tool for awareness and that's what it is is a tool for awareness. You know again, I'm just addressing that everybody wants a quick fix or the you know the answer, we want the answer, and there is no one answer when it comes to this.

Speaker 2: 39:32

So, yeah, going back to the question that initiated this conversation is why do we fixate on what we can't change and the reason why it still repeats in the mind, repeats in our emotions, repeats with us physically the core message that there's still something for us to learn from this, and that's what I really want to clarify.

Speaker 2: 39:53

It's that it's not that our mind is working against us, it's not that our emotions hate us.

Speaker 2: 39:57

It's not that our body is trying to make our lives harder, which is a narrative we've all run at different stages in our lives that these different parts of us are the problem, whereas to actually begin to work on ourselves to understand that these different parts of us aren't behaving or acting in this way, because they're trying to help us get to the core solution that's really at hand and we're actually been taught to avoid so, when I actually started to look at myself and be like, okay, I need to work on becoming friends with these different parts of me, because they're actually all I have and therefore they're actually screaming at me because they're trying to help me process something, yet to know something about myself that I don't know yet, and the only way to do it is spend time with that part of me, as I still engage with day-to-day life, and that's why this process has to take time.

Speaker 2: 40:45

We cannot rush it. You can't fake it till you make it in the parts of these elements of you. You need to do the work, and I wish someone actually had told me that as black and white as that many years ago, that there's no fast track through this. But I'm so happy that there's not, and I can't stress that enough, because that's what makes any of our individual lives so unique is by spending time with the experiences that make us unique in order to build that relationship with self. So this is why your mind will not let it go, because it knows the goal is lying in your pockets, even if you don't.

Speaker 1: 41:24

Well, I agree a%. But I did have someone tell me that very early on and I was just like, well, what do you know, I'll be the first. And so that's the interesting part about what happens for us. We go okay, I did get it in black and white, but I was like, yeah, no, you can't possibly. You're slow, boss, I'm getting on with it.

Speaker 2: 41:46

But then that's when it goes back to spiritual timeline of when we're allowed to have these things also connect or to make sense to us. So because we've all say, read a book 10 years ago that didn't make much of an impact to us then. Then you read the same book now the words haven't changed. It's like, oh my god, now you're shouting it from the rooftops because suddenly it makes a lot of sense. So there's certain things that we're going to never have a blind spot to certain areas of our lives because we're still doing the journey of different parts of it. But, as you and I both know, when there's certain things in our subconscious or conscious mind, let it be in mind body, emotion, soul that your energy now wants you to be made aware of as part of your growth. It'll start turning up that volume, whether you like it or not.

Speaker 1: 42:27

So it may not have been that loud 10 years ago, but if it's now time to deal with it today, your system has a very creative way to make sure that you do it I agree with that wholeheartedly, and so let's just talk about a few things that people can do before we have to wrap up, and one of those those things is you know, if you are fixating on something outside of yourself and it is got a big energy attached to it, if you spend some time writing down about that and just doing the writing about it and then going, if there were any part of this that I'm resisting that could apply to me, I wonder what it could be. Not that I have to know, I just wonder what it could be. Just let it be an open-ended question, because that at least starts the process of asking you know, and starting to look at it just slightly differently and getting a bit curious instead of going, no, they're supposed to do it this way and they're not, you know. So what is it about them? Not, that really is upsetting, you know?

Speaker 1: 43:26

So, like for me, just quickly, I remember being at habilitat and someone saying I had control issues and I was like no, it's just that I'm trying to have us be prompted on time. And that person said and what will happen to you if they're not? And I was like well, I'll get in trouble, Like you know, like I, that's what I was trying to avoid. I just didn't want us all to get in trouble. I wanted to keep it smooth, as somebody would say. And then you know it's talking about bringing it right back down and chunking it down into smaller little pieces so that it doesn't feel so overwhelming when you go to look at it, and I think that's really, really important. And then, as we we said, if you're still getting stuck in it, find the appropriate person.

Speaker 2: 44:10

You know, we say that on every podcast and we mean that sincerely, because there will be the right person for you wherever that is I do think, as we have been talking about on this episode, when our mind is fixating on something that we cannot change, it's because there's room for growth in it that our system is trying to prioritize, even if we don't fully understand it yet. But the time will come that we will.

Speaker 1: 44:34

And that's good food for thought. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, then you might want to check out our online community. We built it to offer you the comfort of having a supportive community by your side, no matter where life takes you. Connect with like-minded individuals through our app. Navigate each step of the journey together with us by joining our Gareth Michael community. Here are a few of the things you're going to get. You'll get exclusive real-time access to live recording and events. Advanced access to each new episode. The opportunity to ask questions directly of Gareth and I Input into what topics we cover in the show. Access to exclusive content not available anywhere else. To learn more about our community, please go to wwwgarethmichaelcom. Thanks again, and I hope you guys are having a lovely week.